"It's past Kimball's bedtime and he still needs a bath...Jordan is frustrated because he has to go back to work, and he won't come home until I'm already asleep...WHY is the apartment so HOT, and WHY is it so messy when I just cleaned it this morning...why doesn't someone move that pile of folded laundry that I keep stepping on...yikes, Kimball is screaming and screaming and crying and crying, why does he hate being dried off?...I wish his teeth would just come in, they're hurting him so much...has Jordan even had anything to eat today? When was the last time I cooked a meal?...my head is about to crack in two...I've done hardly any work on my thesis today...there is yet another bill from the hospital that's sitting on the table, I can't even look at it..."
I would have lost it if Kimball hadn't mercifully fallen asleep, after first deciding for a while that it was play time and he wanted to giggle and flirt and crawl all around the crib, looking for me.
Sitting down to take a moment before starting some work on my thesis, I got distracted surfing the blogosphere (you know how that can happen). I came across these two posts from a blog that I'd never seen before:
Postpartum and The Facts (for some People)
Go ahead and read them. It might be interesting to someone who has never been there, and anywhere from funny to horrific to someone who has. It was therapeutic for me to read that I wasn't the only one.
In my almost-to-the-breaking-point state, I laughcried through the entire Postpartum post and all of its comments (the comments are awesome), with frequent outbursts of, "It's so true!" I identified with almost all of her post, except for the divorce part (Jordan, I need you!). Some of you without children may read it and wonder, is it really that bad? Why, yes, yes it is. (At least it was for me and all of those 55 people that left comments.) But it passes. I no longer start to freak out when the sun goes down because it means I'm in for another long, depressing night; I'm able to take potty breaks whenever I want (usually); I don't cry every day like I did for the first two weeks; I can go to sleep without the dread that I will be brutally yanked from it in approximately 2 hours; I no longer get furious when someone complains, "I'm so tired! I only got 6 hours of sleep!"
I still have bad days, but the worst has passed (the end of winter helped a ton). I used to be annoyed when other people said, "it will get better; this will pass; we've been there"...then why don't you get how BAD I feel? But now I can see it from their point of view a little better. Because the vividness of some of those bad weeks has already disappeared, and I'm sure some of those memories will vanish all together. I've learned to CHILL. It's okay if the house is a little messy, etc. It doesn't matter.
Someone needs to write another eloquent post that I can steal about the Wonderfulness of having a child. The connection between your very souls when your eyes meet. The joy at hearing him laugh to himself in his crib. Watching him enjoy the new skills he learns every day. Seeing the delight in his face when you meet after being apart for a long day. The knowledge that he depends on you and endless opportunities are yours to teach, mold, and love. Being best buddies. Learning his likes and dislikes. Knowing him better than anyone else ever will. These are the things that last. They make the initial hardship completely worth it (easy to say in retrospect, I know!).
P.S. Daddies can feel baby blues too. Thanks Jordan, for hanging in there with me!
8 comments:
Don't worry, you're doing a great job! Especially since you're going to school too, and had to deal with Kimball's medical issues. I'm proud of you and Jordan too!
You are awesome! With all that has happened in your life the past year, you have kept your sense of humor! I admire you!
P.S. Life does get better!
No need for someone else to write an eloquent post about the wonderfulness of having a child--you just did. Beautiful. And your honesty and frankness about the hardships of having a child are equally beautiful. I find so much personal joy in watching you ease into and take on this role of mommy. You are absolutely amazing. Jordan too. Kimball too. You three are my heroes.
I remember going through this with Kerry, heck, we're still going through it with Kerry and the kids. My one memory of kerry with postpartum is her crying over Jonathan not loving her because she didn't want to keep breast feeding him. It's interesting to see how many people suffer from it and how long it lasts. Just know you're never alone and that there's always people around to help (even if i am many many miles away)
Wow that postpartum post brought me back to our time after Logan was born. Madeline was definitely easier for me - part to do with her and part to do with me. Postpartum with Logan was hard and I didn't do anything about it because I just assumed that that was what it was like. Add a move away from family to a whole new place to the mix.
You are doing so great Ashley! And the fact that you know and can admit that times are hard gives you so much advantage. XOXOXO
I think many mothers hesitate to describe all the thoughts and feelings that really happen postpartum for fear of being judged as a "bad mom" by others who haven't been there and have no right to pass judgment (At least, that has always been my fear). We emphasize the good times and downplay the hard times. Which, as a rule, is good, I think. But it is helpful to acknowledge that life doesn't always fit a "perfect" mold- and there is nothing shameful in that. I read the links you posted and they are validating, to say the least. Funny, but also a little depressing to remember things from the not so distant past (last night?) for some of them. It was encouraging to read that it isn't as hard with subsequent children, and that you forget most of the bad stuff... I hope that's all true! (Although even if it's not, I would go through it all again for Gabe.)
It is obvious from your posts that you are a good mom and that Kimball is well loved and well taken care of.
I'm sure everyone knows this already but Ash doesn't give her self enough credit. Sure she may get overwhelmed and gloomy but at least Kimball and I are still alive. I think that if it wasn't for Ashley, Kimball would live in a perpetual dirty diaper and I would slowly but surely begin to resemble the Ted Kaczynski the unabomber. Way to go Ashley you're doing your good turn daily by taking on two charity cases. We love you,
J&K
LOL @ Jordan! I'm sure the smell of the diaper would get to you eventually!
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