Every week in the BYU paper there is a section called the Police Beat. The Police Beat is famous for its hilarious and bizarre reports. There is even a "Best of Police Beat" in the paper at the end of every semester. Not only are the incidents themselves often very strange, the style in which they are reported is also so funny—like the writer is too serious about what he/she is writing about. Every now and then there is an entry that just cracks us up. So I'll be sharing some of the funnier beats as they come out every week. To start with, here are some of Jordan's and my favorites from past beats. Enjoy!
Mischievous Mayhem (These headings are the original headings from the paper)
Sept. 30: Female students in Helaman Halls complained about a man in a gorilla suit attempting to scare students near the Cannon Center. When police arrived, there was no sign of either the complainant or the gorilla. Students complained again early Oct. 3 about a man in a gorilla mask. The gorilla has not yet been identified.
…And from today's paper:
Suspicious Activity
Feb. 1: Police received multiple complaints about a student dressed in an ape costume who was harassing students in the library atrium. The suspect received a warning and was told to leave.
(Who is this mystery ape? What do they mean 'the suspect'? Was he or wasn't he dressed in the ape costume?)
Naked People (there seem to be an awful lot of naked people reports for some reason)
Sept. 27: A student and her roommate were walking by Miller Field when they noticed a possibly unclothed man in the shadows. They reported that he was an estimated 300 pounds but were unable to estimate his age. He told them "hello."
Much Ado About Nothing
Nov. 1: Police received a call concerning screams and pounding coming from a room in the Maeser Building. Police investigated and discovered the screaming man was a custodial worker watching the game between Texas and Texas Tech., and was upset about his team's loss.
Bizarre
Oct. 18: A female resident of Wymount Terrace called in a suspicious phone call in which a man made statements with the intent of hypnotizing the student. The student said she does not remember most of the conversation, but she called him her master. Police say it is virtually impossible hypnotize someone over the phone.
Nov. 28: Police received a complaint about a man with a rope on the east side of the library attempting to lasso people as they walked by. The man was gone when police arrived.
Dec. 7: A student reported talking to a man with a chainsaw on the north side of the Wilkinson Center. The man said he was going to "cut him a Christmas tree." Officers never found the suspect.
International Issues
Nov. 6: Officers responded to a call concerning a disorderly person in the atrium of the HBLL. The subject at issue was wearing a red shirt, a scarf around his neck, a red mask around his eyes and holding several roses. He was holding a sign that read, "Ask me for...A-Hug, A-Rose, A-Hand, A-Date, A-Nything else." When officers told him he wasn't allowed to solicit in this manner, he continued to argue and told them he wasn't going to stop. Officers then explained that he may be arrested for disorderly conduct but he said he had diplomatic immunity and could not be arrested. When officers told him that it is necessary to receive permission from the dean of student life to demonstrate on campus, he agreed to follow through with the dean and left the area.
...and my two all-time favorites:
Vandalism
March 25: At 12:23 a.m., the doorknob of the Honor Code Office in the Spencer W. Kimball Tower was found coated with refried beans.
(No explanation! Who reported this? Why? I love how it was at exactly 12:23 am.)
Harrassment
April 4: BYU Math Teaching Assistants called BYU police to report a male student who had repeatedly threatened them. The student said he would pull out a female TA's hair with duct tape and would stab another TA's foot with a thumb drive to infect him with a deadly virus. BYU police are questioning the individual.
(No comment needed.)
You can peruse more beats here: http://newnewsnet.byu.edu/section.cfm/policebeat
5 comments:
Good golly. You better be looking over your shoulder whenever you walk around on campus--you just never know when some crazy gorilla wearing a red shirt and a mask around his eyes, carrying a chainsaw coated with refried beans is going to jump out at you! Promise me you'll be ever viligent, k? Crazy place, that BYU. The style of reporting is hilarious!
Some of my favorite alumni are:
"A 47-year-old male visitor was seen removing stickers from recycle bins in the Administration Building Saturday. He was taken to University Police on the first floor, where he was questioned. He informed officers that the arrow sign on “Please Recycle” is the sign referred to in the Book of ArJ as the sign of the beast. He also informed the officers that this sign is a danger to society and BYU students and that he was just trying to protect the students."
I didn't realize that recycling could be putting my soul in jeopardy.
"A 50-year-old white male left an express package at the Women’s Resource Center June 29 at 9:40 p.m. The package was for the recruiting of an individual to become his 12th wife to help him usher in the New Jerusalem. He is described as being 6 ft. tall of slight build. Individuals in the area are asked to contact police if he returns."
I guess the recruiting efforts must get pretty inventive if you are trying to convince someone to be the 12th wheel in the family wagon.
"Police received a delayed report about a man claiming to be Joseph Smith reincarnated engaging people in religious conversations. Police are waiting to see if the man shows up again."
If he shows up again would that be considered a "second coming."
"At 7:20 a.m., March 20, police received a report of animals being found in the men’s restroom on the seventh floor of V-Hall of Deseret Towers. The responding officers found five live chickens in a cardboard box, 50 dead goldfish in the sinks and a layer of straw six to eight inches deep covering the bathroom floor."
I'm impressed that someone was awake at 7:20am on the seventh floor of the V-Hall of Deseret Towers.
"A men’s restroom in the Thomas L. Martin Building was vandalized on Oct. 6 at 3:30 p.m. Human feces was smeared all over one of the toilets. Police found the impression of fingers in the material and said the suspect smeared the excrement with his hands. The suspect was described as a heavy-set male, 24 to 25- years-old. Police have no suspects."
I'm just trying to figure out how his finger prints lead them to believe that the suspect was a 24-25 year old heavy-set male. Leave it to the BYU CSI squad.
"Two visitors to the BYU Bookstore were arrested for shop lifting after attempting to steal more than $250 in merchandise. The visitors were caught leaving the Bookstore when sensors sounded the alarm. Bookstore employees found the suspects with a large bag filled with stolen merchandise. The bag contained: boxer shorts, the game “Battleship,” a Sony CD player, three phone jacks, 50 feet of phone chord, Duracell AA batteries, a cable lock, a three speed tape recorder, the game “Guess Who,” wrist bands, a 12-pack of cassette tapes, a blue BYU spandex leotard. The suspects were arrested and given a citation."
Typical, MacGyver shows up after years of hiding and the BYU Police have to arrest him.
Haha, those are awesome!
I especially like the one with a guy lassoing random people. I picture it just being sort of annoying. "Dude, stop it!"
Haha. I forgot about those. Classic.
hahaha, those are hilarious. I think the last one clearly illustrates the dangers of being a TA. I know when I was a TA, I sure felt like I was putting my life on the line every day. It's crazy out there, what with thumb drive viruses running rampant.
Also...how do the police KNOW it's virtually impossible to hypnotize someone over the phone?
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